Strategies for finding happiness this holiday season, from less work to ‘quiet mornings’

Not long ago, Nero Feliciano found himself sitting down to wrap Christmas presents for his four children at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve, after having already attended a candlelight vigil and hosted dinner for the extended family that same night.

It was a heartbreaking end to a busy holiday season and the moment she knew something had to change.

“I was like, this is just not healthy,” said Feliciano, a psychotherapist in Connecticut and frequent guest on the “Today” show. “And I started thinking, ‘We have to do it differently.’ Not just for me. For my family.”

Shelf Help is a wellness column where we interview researchers, thinkers, and authors about their latest books—all to learn how to live a fulfilling life.

Feliciano loved the winter holidays with all their cozy traditions, but for most of her adult life she struggled to raise four children with her surgeon husband while indulging in cookie baking, holiday parties, Christmas movies, and the occasional fancy sleigh ride in private practice.

“We’re driving at a crazy pace all the time, so when I started hearing about vacations, I was stressed. There was no bandwidth, no time,” she said. “And I kept thinking, ‘How am I going to do this?’

In her new book, “All’s Calm: How to Feel Less Stressful and More Festive During the Holidays,” published in October, Feliciano explains how she transformed her relationship during the holiday season by choosing to mentally slow down, do less, and focus on the holiday season, as she describes it. In 31 short chapters—one for each day of December—he offers down-to-earth personal stories and advice for people who feel overwhelmed by the winter holidays, whether it’s because they’re trying to do too much, or because they’re dealing with soul-crushing issues like grief, loss, loneliness, or illness.

“For the 20 years I’ve been working as a therapist, I’ve found that this is the time of year that’s the hardest for people,” Feliciano said. “I thought, who doesn’t need a therapist during the holidays?”

Her customers joked that they wished she would come home and talk to them during the season.

“The answer to that is no,” she said. “But now at least I can give them a book.”

Feliciano spoke with me about how she began to feel more present during the season, her transformative “quiet morning” practice, how to manage grief during the holidays and why gifts have long been a trigger for many women she knows, including herself.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

(Maggie Chiang/For The Times)

What is your relationship with the holidays?

My relationship with the holidays has grown. Especially when I was young and found a family and was very influenced by social media, it felt like we had to do what everyone else was doing so our kids wouldn’t feel left out. We’ll do it all, but at the end of it, I feel drained and happy.

I didn’t want my kids to feel like this is the way we do it, where you sacrifice all your happiness for everyone else. So they start to see me slacking off, they start to see me work less and hopefully I’m more present and connected to them while taking time for myself.

How does social media affect our experience of holiday celebrations?

This is huge. I think it affected us on two levels. The first is comparison, which affects our perception of what we really want. Like, look at my fancy decorations compared to this woman who isn’t Martha Stewart but could be. Then all of a sudden, I don’t feel like content. I am not so satisfied

But scrolling through social media also has a literal effect on our brain chemistry. We get these dopamine hits and then our body tries to compensate for that and it puts us in a state where we’re very depressed, very anxious, very depressed. It’s kind of a catch-22 because we’re so tired and exhausted what to do? We go for mindless fun and a dopamine rush.

In your book, You are describing an exercise that you are calling of thesilent mOrang» Where you wake up early, light a candle, drink coffee and sit comfortably before the day begins, read, journal, pray or just sit in peace. I am doing this and I have found this change. What does it do for you?

During the holidays, I did this several times a week and I think it made a huge difference to the feeling at the end of the season. I felt like I had created something that was just for me, and it was beautiful and it was something to look at and relax. Even if it was just for five or 10 minutes, it made a difference.

We don’t have real trees anymore, so I’ve always had a pine scented candle that reminds me of winter and nature. I think part of that is figuring out what will make something beautiful for you and then incorporating that into a quiet morning.

It feels like we should be experiencing joy during the holidays, but after a year of what we’ve had in Los Angeles – devastating fires, ICE raids, layoffs in the entertainment industry. and beyond – Some of us may forget to be happy this season. What do you recommend?

I go back to this idea that comes from dialectical behavior therapy: two things can be true. We can live in very difficult, painful situations and it is important to accept that and also recognize that there are ways to experience happiness; It’s just a matter of where to look. Mostly I think you have to make the choice that you want to experience happiness and that you are looking for it.

It may take some time to figure out how to do this, but if you think about what is most important in your life and if you have some of these things, these are areas that we can connect to to find happiness.

The holidays can be especially challenging for people who are grieving. What advice do you have for them?

I would say, for one, give yourself the grace to not do things the way you’ve always done them. If it’s too painful, you can try something new. Also, don’t pressure yourself to make all these plans. You may not know how you will feel until that day. I think you should respect your feelings in this moment and surround yourself with people who will respect it for you.

Especially if it’s new grief, trust your intuition for what you need. Think of someone you feel safe with, who wants the best for you, who is you and spend time with that person during this season. This will help.

You also have a chapter on the conflicts that can arise around unexpected gifts. Is this something that comes up a lot?

This has been with my clients forever. Many women are very disappointed by this particular piece. It’s like we do it for everyone, why can’t someone do it for us? This is especially important to me because my husband and I have struggled with this as well. We’ve been married 22 years and now I have every intention of buying myself a present and giving it to him and saying, “Hey, wrap it for me,” but it was a serious point of contention in the beginning.

Part of it was that my parents were very busy immigrant doctors who came to this country to work. They didn’t have a ton of time all the time, but giving gifts was one way they showed love. For my husband who grew up in a very poor family in Puerto Rico where there were no gifts, he never saw how to do it, he never got it, so it didn’t matter to him.

It was only in the last few years that I found out why it is so important to me – it feels like “you don’t love me if you don’t think in gifts,” and doesn’t recognize that he never learned this language. It was my language. Now I can do it for myself and appreciate what my husband does to show me his love: it ends at 11 o’clock at night when he does 16 operations that day and hurts me.