My ‘condition’ left me with emotional pain that was unreal

I still remember the month and year when our eyes met for the first time. It was June 2019, at the Vegan Street Fair in Pasadena, where I held the hand of my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. We stopped by the burger stand where his friend, Alan, worked, and as he introduced us, I felt an irresistible attraction.

The moment Allen’s eyes met mine, it was like I suddenly knew who I was supposed to be with.

Years passed. I dated, but nothing seemed to fill the emptiness I felt for love. I often wondered what was wrong with me. Was I looking for something passive? Were my standards too high or too low? I did not find the answer.

Then in 2023, a notification popped up on Instagram: a friend request from Allen. I looked at my phone in disbelief. Could this be the relationship I’ve been waiting for all these years?

We met at a restaurant called Joe’s in Highland Park, his neighborhood and my favorite part of Los Angeles. Our conversation flowed smoothly. For the first time in my life, I felt compatible with someone. We were both on healing journeys, conscious, vegan and in love with nature. Alan was even an amazing vegan chef. I felt as if I could not ask for more. I had found the answer to all my failed relationships. Suddenly all the miserable dates and failed relationships felt worth it because they led me to Him.

I wanted to take things slowly, to make sure his intentions matched mine. Alan assured me that he wanted a relationship and dreamed of starting a family. One night, as our relationship deepened, he asked, “Are you into anyone in the LA metal scene?”

I froze, should I be honest and tell him that I had a relationship with his friend or keep quiet and risk the truth later? He wants an open relationship based on trust, I told him. The disappointment in his eyes was immediate.

“My ex is your friend,” I said softly. “I know it’s weird.”

He agreed that it was, and I felt a wall suddenly rise between us. I honestly regretted it, because in that moment, it felt like honesty had tarnished the relationship Alan and I had built. I found myself wondering how things would have turned out if I had left this information out. But I quickly reminded myself that a true romance would never be built on lies.

Alan said he still wants to know me, and I hope so. The next morning, after we had talked about travel and plans for the future, I saw the same distance as last night. Then he said that he is not looking for anything serious. My heart broke.

Was it because of his friend, my ex? Or did I simply read everything wrong? My heart was racing, and my mind was running in circles, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Once again I found myself making a difficult decision.

As someone who believes that true love is worth fighting for, living by the words that nothing worthwhile comes easy, I felt amazing. Do I keep seeing him, hoping he’ll come around one day? It took all my strength to decide what was right. Because what was right felt wrong. I told him I couldn’t see him again. He seemed impressed, but not enough to change his mind.

Two days later, he called me, said he was thinking about it and wanted to try again. He admits that the “friend thing” bothers him more than he should. I accepted his loss.

For a while we had fun, flowing into an easy rhythm, having thoughtful conversations and sharing things about our upbringing that affect us today and ways to break the cycle. I felt incredibly connected to him.

After sharing the news with my best friend about my romance with Alan, she burst my bubble: “You’re in a situation.” I fainted, thinking about Alan and I’s connection, what he would say and how he would make me feel. She confirmed that what I had shared with her was a strong definition of “condition”. She added that it means intimacy without commitment.

“You’re a placeholder,” she said. i was sleeping.

That night I asked Alan where he wanted us to go. He reiterated that we were still getting to know each other and that he could not focus on the relationship between jobs. As it was right, I knew what it meant: his heart wasn’t in it. was mine Again, I was left feeling scared.

Two years have passed. It was in the summer when Alan texted, asking how I was doing. Seeing his name on my screen made my stomach drop. Could it finally be our time?

We met again, and felt the truth of his embrace. He told me that he was struggling years ago but is now in a better, more stable place. He looked into my eyes as if to prove it. I wanted so bad to believe him. Again, I gave in, and again, the heat disappeared almost immediately.

His body language changed; His words were removed. I realized that his gentleness was an act – one that I would willingly break again and again.

Clarity reached where hope lived. I can’t cycle through the same heartbreak. One day I would be fine, and the next day I would find myself devastated, longing to hear from him. When his messages didn’t show up on my phone, I felt an emptiness that only he could fill.

The thought that I had not crossed his mind destroyed me. I can no longer continue the cycle of deception, waiting for our right time to come. It wouldn’t be.

For years, I fed myself the illusion that things wouldn’t work out with someone else because I was with someone who was Alan.

I knew in my heart that despite how deeply I felt for him, silence, indifference, lack of effort – these were my responses. Love is not a puzzle waiting to be solved. When someone is paying attention, you don’t need to decode it.

I spent years chasing the band, convincing myself that one more talk or one more kiss might fix everything. But closing, I learned, was another way of opening the door again. What I really needed was acceptance. Acceptance that was painful but free.

This time, I choose myself. I choose to fill my cup, because to find true lasting love, it must begin within me.

The author is a writer and poet from Long Beach. He learns to find love and beauty in everything but romantic love for the moment. She is on Instagram: @cold_brewjita.

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