Very helpful advice for helping a friend through verbal abuse

My best friend’s husband is verbally abusive towards her. They have been together for more than 10 years, and in the last year in particular, his behavior has increased. I am worried about my friend’s safety. I spoke up because I saw her yelling, but she claims mental health issues, and she says she can’t help it. How can I help my dear friend?

The depth of your care and concern for your chosen family is remarkable, and powerful. As someone who has been on both sides of this equation, the kindest part of my heart goes out to you. It hurts deeply, to feel that a loved one is hurting. It is devastating to witness this happening to someone who once promised to protect and protect them in all circumstances forever. This kind of betrayal is not easy to process, let alone live with – and a way out seems almost impossible.

The solution may not be straightforward, but there is a lens through which you can frame the situation that can provide you with both focus and clarity. What you can devote your attention to you Value the most – the well-being of your loved one, the well-being of the friendship you value and the steadfast belief that your partner deserves to be loved well. You may not be able to control the behavior of your partner, or her husband. We can’t change or fix others, or make them act the way we think is best – even if we are technically “correct” in our reasoning around the situation. Allowing another person the agency of their experience is one of the most loving things a human being can do for another.

There are many reasons why people choose to stay with bad friends. Perhaps it’s a question of sunk cost – too much investment to forego now seems like a viable option. Perhaps it is material considerations – the threat of losing a place to live, or the need for a visa or financial agreement to survive. Maybe it’s because they love their abuser, and feel responsible for their well-being, want to help and feel guilty if they don’t. They may be afraid of the abuser, what will happen if they leave, what will happen if they stay. Perhaps it’s because abusive or neglectful patterns exemplified by their primary caregiver or family dynamic make it difficult for them to understand what love really looks, sounds, feels like. (Science has shown us that childhood abuse biologically alters the structure of the brain around structures responsible for fear, stress, cognitive function, memory and, by extension, decision-making around healthy relationships.)

We may not know why he chooses to stay in the moment, but in any case, empathy through awareness will provide you with what you need to move forward in a wiser and more loving way. People in abusive relationships make judgments of disbelief (“I can’t believe you’re going to stay with her”) and statements that question their ability to make the best decisions for their lives (“You need to break up with them”). Abuse thrives in privacy and isolation. Allowing your opinion to create a significant distance between the two of you will only make her husband’s life easier, as abusers often try to separate their victims from those they love. Without a support system, there is no accountability for the abuser’s actions, and no safety net to catch the abuser if and when they decide to jump in and leave. Although painful, it is important that you have seen your partner’s abusive behavior, and that you are still in your partner’s life.

At the same time, your well-being is also important. It’s emotionally and psychologically necessary to be in a situation like this, especially for a long time. Boredom, sadness, depression, anger, judgmental impulses and even emptiness are normal. There are ways you can continue to support your partner while still maintaining boundaries. If you find that every conversation between the two of you is focused on talking about her relationship problems (again, I’m on both sides of this equation), you can lovingly encourage her to try a different perspective: “I think about what you’re going through. I also think it’s important to make time for your happiness. I know that our friendship brings us, we also enjoy the best part that we want to enjoy both of the movies this week. Speaking of pie, and eating wine and dumplings from our favorite place? It may sound bitter, but it could save a life.

All you can do is focus on what you are doing can Control – who you are, your well-being, your response to situations, and the commitment of your love for your best friend. And, as it will deeply affect your dear friend’s heart, you can consider respecting the love he has for this person. No one says you have to love him or even like him. You’re more than allowed to believe him badly, and maybe do some magic so his hairline recedes seamlessly. (Do this very carefully, for karmic reasons.) But respecting the love that is in your partner’s heart will in turn help him to love you. That being said, responsibility must be respected in the face of practical reality, and there are times when empathy and emotional support are not enough – especially because you’ve already seen his bad behavior firsthand. If you believe that your partner’s safety or life is at risk, it is important to seek help through organizations and communities led by trained professionals. (See Resources at the bottom of this page.)

My physical life was not in danger, but I was suffering emotionally and psychologically. And Jon was there for me. She kindly and genuinely shared my joy, albeit cautiously (which was her right), when she apologized and showed up at my door with white roses. She also sighed with me when I cried about his most soulful betrayal. She had the good sense to know that I deserved better, and she had her own opinions (which were her right too). In between all this, she also took time for herself, her creative and artistic activities and other relationships.

Many of my dearest friends left me at this time. They thought I was weak. They thought I was guilty of the greatest heresy in the entire mighty church of fourth-wave feminism — choosing a straight man over your female friends. I could feel their hatred and their self-righteous contempt in every one of the countless wounds I already had. This holy punishment did not, as they hoped, correct my considerable original defects, forcing me to see the errors of my foolish and shamefully inconsistent ways and return to being the ideal poor daughter they desired.

These people weren’t wrong – I deserved better. He was a loser who desperately needed comfort, and I enabled his addictive behavior. Dealing with all this was exhausting and irritating for them. But they had the audacity to claim they loved me while never caring enough to look beyond their ego to even understand why my brain was still not programmed to choose love for itself.

June never allowed me to make bad decisions, but she gave me the space to make my own. She never judged me because she had empathy for why I made them. He knew that I was smart enough to know what was happening was wrong but that I just needed some time to learn to love myself – which was something I always did. She never left me, even in all my delusions. And when I finally found the courage to leave, there she was. Almost 15 years later, she is still here. Lovers come and go, as they always do – as they do always Do – but the love between me and my sister has only grown.

Every bleeding heart lover who has survived endless violence deserves love and understanding in June. Can you find it in your heart to be your best friend Jon?

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (7233). thehotline.org.